“A boundary presented as a hopeful wish is nothing but a weak suggestion. And a boundary presented as a threat will only do more damage.”- Lysa TerKeurst
Lysa TerKeurst concludes Chapter 5 of Good Boundaries and Goodbyes, with the final three factors to help you set good boundaries.
3. Boundaries help you fight for the relationship. When we fail to set a boundary, we set the stage for simmering resentments. Above all, this is much more damaging than a boundaries conversation. It’s a much bigger risk to delay or refuse to have conversations than to risk setting a boundary.
4. A boundary without a real consequence will never be taken seriously. Therefore, consider the consequences for crossed boundaries with wisdom and logic. Also, Lysa counsels, think through consequences ahead of time. Process them with a counselor or wise friends.
So, Lysa offers several ways she structures her consequences:
- establish your boundary in support of the relationship, not against it; you want to readjust their access, not accuse them
- phrase your consequence as a statement, not as a question; to implement the boundary or the consequences that go with it doesn’t require their permission
- discuss — not justify or explain — the consequences
5. Play out how this boundary will benefit you. Sometimes when we feel the pain of setting a boundary that causes us to forget the good reasons we’re setting boundaries. In doing so, we take responsibility to keep our own sanity, safety, and serenity in check.
As a result, it’s crucial that you think through the positives of setting boundaries beforehand from a place of strength. Because if things get tough and emotional, you’ll stand your ground. And even though getting to a better place doesn’t always feel good in the moment, it’s still good.
In conclusion, Lysa exhorts:
“We need to make it a goal to not get pulled into overcommunicating or justifying or explaining ourselves ad nauseam, and risk giving up on pursuing healthful relationship dynamics.”
Today’s question: Do you equate a boundary presented as a hopeful wish with a weak suggestion? Please share.
Tomorrow’s blog: “Dysfunction – cooperating with?”
