“We can learn to honor, soothe, and listen to the pain that presents itself as we lovingly assess what we need and participate with God to give it to ourselves. This is reparenting — and it’s a great resource to draw upon as we engage the work of healing.”- Aundi Kolber
As Aundi Kolber moves on in Chapter 5 of Strong Like Water, she stresses our need to remember that attachment styles are:
- (even more importantly) not a diagnosis
- simply the strategies we use to get our needs met
In addition, Aundi counsels, we always want to honor the pace of our bodies. Also, we must remember that trust is built. As a result, the internal relationship strengthens. And over time we’ll be open to more connection. Hence, Aundi delves deeper into the first two attachment styles she discussed in Chapter 4.
1. Avoidant attachment. Any display of emotions – whether your own or other people’s — may instantaneously overwhelm you. This also includes any sense of relationship conflict. Consequently, others might think you don’t care. Or that you’re even irritated or angry.
Furthermore, you rely heavily on logic and thinking to cope with the outside world. Because you believe you’re the only person you can trust depend on.
However, little by little, you begin to build that foundation of internalized safety. As you ‘witness and attune’ to the younger part of yourself. Above all, honor the pace of your hurting part. As well as the various situational strengths that have offered a sort of protection from the pain.
2. Anxious ambivalent attachment. As therapist Diane Heller observes, folks with an anxious ambivalent attachment are prone to rely heavily on others to regulate their feelings. Therefore, turn compassionately to the lack of self-regulation in your story. Something usually paired with abandonment.
That equips you to remember that you can both need other people and listen to the ache within yourself. Most significantly, notice when someone acts in a caring manner toward you. Give yourself permission to savor that moment.
Today’s question: How do you see reparenting as a great resource for you? Please share.
Coming Monday: the June Short Meditation, “And night shall be no more”
Tomorrow’s blog: “A great mercy – repair”