“Confession time: Have you ever gone through a clearly marked conversational intersection without coming to a complete stop? It is amazing to me how many people run right through nonverbal stop signs.”- John Ortberg
“When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise.”- Proverbs 10:19 (NIV)
As John Ortberg moves on in Chapter 6 of Everybody’s Normal . . .. he walks us through five relational rules of the road. These involve key signals people send us to guide us in the way we relate to them. John presents the first sign today.
1. Stop. People use this simple sign to send signals all the time. For example, stop — talking, advising, rambling, criticizing, gossiping, hogging the verbal spotlight. In other words, just stop.
Most significantly, John observes, one’s eyes function as the most common way people send signals. Hence, when someone wants you to stop talking, they lower their eye contact to minimum.
Furthermore, John quips, it’s possible, at least in one of your encounters with people, that you add this most important tool to your relational intelligence tool kit. That tool = a button for your mouth. Give someone a chance to talk.
Consequently, the Desert Fathers — wise people in the early church — strongly recommended silence as a spiritual discipline. Abba Arsenius, a wealthy Roman senator, abandoned his social prominence to become a monk. When he prayed to the Lord to lead him into the way of salvation, Abba Arsenius heard a voice saying, “Be silent.”
Above all, John counsels, when we begin to practice Proverbs 10:19, we start to learn that we can live without:
- the last word.
- trying to make sure we control how other people think about us.
- winning every argument.
- powering up over every decision.
- drawing attention to ourselves.
In conclusion, John exhorts:
“Nothing binds one human being to another more than the sense that they have been deeply carefully listened to. It is no accident that we speak of paying attention to people; attention is the most valuable currency we have.”
Today’s question: What most helps you stop at a clearly marked conversational intersection? Please share.
Tomorrow’s blog: “Some assembly required”