“It is a good thing that you have the capacity to be angry. It’s part of the ability to live a passionate life. But you were not meant to live in an extended state of anger. Anger is like a smoke detector. . . . It’s good that you have the detector, but it’s not good to live with the smoke detector constantly making noise.”- John Ortberg
“People with a hot temper do foolish things; wiser people remain calm.”- Proverbs 14:17 (Good News Bible)
John Ortberg continues Chapter 7 of Everybody’s Normal . . . with the second and third small steps of Jesus’ teaching in Matthew 18:15.
2. I must own responsibility. Jesus calls us to own the task of reconciliation. However, we balk at heeding Jesus’ words. Because we want the other person to come to us. And we deem it fair that the other person takes the first step. Hence, anger often contains an element of self-righteousness. We blame the other person. Then we avoid owning responsibility.
Like porcupines, we act as stubborn, prickly little creatures.
3. Approach, don’t avoid, the person you are in conflict with. Often, we want to hold our position. We’d rather stay and stew, take pleasure in being mad and pouting. Plus, resolving the conflict might get ugly.
Yet, John notes, it’s exceedingly difficult to take wise action when you’re angry. Because, as your arousal ramps up, you can’t think straight. Therapists call this cognitive incapacitation.
In addition, anger convinces us we’re absolutely in the right. Therefore, that justifies anything we do to hurt the other person. So, John counsels, a very good thing to say is, “I could be wrong.”
Finally, John cautions:
“Here is the key. A cooling-down period will not work if you use the time to pursue an anger-inducing train of thought. If you rehearse reasons for anger, you just get madder. You must find a way to reroute your thoughts. . . . learn to approach and not avoid people with whom [you] have conflicts.”
Today’s question: How does a smoke detector for anger alert you? Please share.
Tomorrow’s blog: “”The litmus test of spirituality”