“The litmus test of spirituality is not the absence of conflict; conflict will not disappear until we die. The litmus test is how we handle it. Conflict is inevitable. Resentment is optional.”- John Ortberg
“Therefore, my brothers and sisters, you whom I love and long for, my joy and crown, stand firm in the Lord in this way, dear friends. I plead with Euodia and I plead with Syntyche to be of the same mind in the Lord.”- Philippians 4:1-2 (NIV)
As John Ortberg moves on in Chapter 7 of Everybody’s Normal . . ., he presents the fourth and fifth small steps of Jesus’ teaching in Matthew 18:15.
4. No third parties. Jesus instructs us to go directly to the other person involved. But, Pastor Ortberg notes, as a general rule we don’t want to approach the person we’re in conflict with. Because it’s more fun to commiserate with a third party.
Certainly, John notes, conflict existed in the early church. However, New Testament Christians committed themselves to accountable conflict management. For when a third party joins the fray, now three people confront the conflict directly. And they all possess a reason to dislike each other.
As Carol Tavris points out:
” ‘Talking out’ a situation doesn’t reduce it, it rehearses it. As you recite your grievances, your emotional arsenal builds up again, making you feel as angry as you did when the infuriating event happened, and, in addition, establishing an attitude [of hostility] about the source of your rage.”
5. Use sensitivity. Ventilation — aka ‘let it all hang out’ — is one myth about the best way to handle anger. Furthermore, one major problem centers on the fact that ventilation is self-enforcing. As a result, anger gains more power. Rather than draining off.
Consequently, Carol Tavris also observes:
“The contemporary ventilationist view [is] . . . that it is always important to express anger so it won’t clog your arteries or your relationships. . . . If your expressed rage causes another person to shoot you, it won’t matter that you die with very healthy arteries.”
While people who let anger fly achieve their short-term goal, they miss out on their deepest need in the long run. Intimacy.
Today’s question: Do you agree that the litmus test of spirituality = how one handles conflict? Please share.
Tomorrow’s blog: “Anger management or a miracle?”