“None of us wants to admit that we hate someone. . . . When we deny our hate we detour around the crisis of forgiveness. We suppress, our spite, make adjustments, and make believe we are too good to be hateful. But the truth is that we do not dare to risk admitting the hate we feel because we do not desire to risk forgiving the person we hate.”- Lewis Smedes, Forgive and Forget (1984)
As John Ortberg moves on in Chapter 8 of Everybody’s Normal . . ., he stresses that we need to understand what forgiveness is not and then look at the three stages that comprise forgiveness. Hence, forgiveness is not:
- the same thing as accusing. You excuse when you consider the extenuating circumstances for a behavior. But a situation where no good rationale exists to explain away someone’s actions requires forgiveness. However, John underscores, that doesn’t equate with tolerating the behavior. Or pretending the offense really wasn’t that bad.
- forgetting. Pastor Ortberg quips that you only need a really bad memory to forget. Sometimes Scripture writers use the term ‘forget’ to describe how God deals with our sin. Certainly, though, God has no memory retrieval problem. But when we cannot forget, we precisely require the process of forgiveness.
- the same thing as reconciling. Just because you forgive someone doesn’t mean you must reunite with them no matter what. Because forgiveness takes place in the heart of one human being. And it can be granted whether or not the other person calls for it or deserves it. But for reconciliation to happen, the other person needs to be living and sincerely repentant. Above all, the two parties must rebuild trust and act in good faith.
In conclusion, Pastor Ortberg notes, forgiveness and reconciliation comprise two different issues. For example, C. S. Lewis once stated that he finally was able to forgive a man. That man had been dead for thirty years.
In the next blog, John describes the three stages of forgiveness.
Today’s question: What Bible verses help you avoid the detour around the crisis of forgiveness? Please share.
Tomorrow’s blog: “The forgiver and the forgivee”