“[Reconciliation] is a dance that demands the full cooperation of two partners: the forgiver and the forgivee. . . . As a general rule, where there is hurt, I am both the victim and the agent of wrongdoing. In most relationships where deep pain is involved, I must both forgive and seek forgiveness.” – John Ortberg
John Ortberg continues Chapter 8 of Everybody’s Normal . . . with the three stages of forgiveness. Situations where excusing, condoning, or tolerating aren’t big enough to do the job that forgiveness requires.
The first stage of forgiveness involves the decision not to inflict a reciprocal amount of pain on everyone who caused the hurt. Thus, we give up our quest to get even — the natural obsession of the wounded soul. In addition, getting even presents a problem. Because no two people weigh pain on the same scale.
Next, a new way of seeing and feeling defines the second stage of forgiveness. Because when someone hurts us deeply, we see only the hurt. Not the person. Furthermore, we tend to believe only bad things about that person. Hence, we forget their humanity.
However, we see mor clearly when we begin to forgive each other. Certainly, we don’t ignore the hurts. But we can see beyond those hurts. And we rediscover the other person’s humanity.
Finally, in the third stage of forgiving, you find yourself wishing the other person well. Above all, when you hear someone speak a kind word about them, you don’t inwardly scream for rebuttal time. You heart trajectory heads in the right direction.
Consequently, John stresses, we must pursue forgiving people who have hurt us. Even when the offender fails to ask for forgiveness or deserve it. Therefore, God commands us to forgive because:
- it is the best way to live.
- He, the Great Forgiver, has forgiven us.
- the only other way involves remaining a prisoner of the hurt as long as we live.
- refusing to forgive means I allow the offender to keep me chained in a prison of bitterness and resentment year after year.
Today’s question: How do the forgiver and the forgivee work together to reconcile? Please share.
Tomorrow’s blog: “True forgiveness — never cheap”