“Facts aren’t the only things we need to pay attention to when assessing whether it is safe to trust another person. Feelings are also crucial. Safety is both fact and feeling. Therefore, trust is both fact and feeling. I don’t just need to be told I’m safe; I need to believe it for myself.”- Lysa TerKeurst
In Chapter 2 (“What Is This Feeling . . . Discernment or Trigger”) of I Want to Trust You, but I Don’t, Lysa TerKeurst observes that a paper-thin line exists between healthy discernment and triggers caused by pain. Thus, this process requires wisdom. Because we don’t want to cause the trustworthy people around us to unfairly suffer due to our suspicions.
Above all, Lysa stresses, the human brain always searches for the confidence of knowing. In other words, we need to know what’s going on in order to be confident we’re safe. Otherwise, our neurological makeup triggers the automatic defenses of fight, flight, or freeze. A process known as neuroception, which psychologist and neuroscientist Dr. Stephen Porges describes:
“Essentially, neuroception is the process by which neural circuits determine whether a situation or person is safe, dangerous, or life-threatening. As opposed to perception, which is cognitive thought, neuroception involves brain processes that work outside of conscious awareness . . . and without your knowledge.”
For example, in the Garden of Gethsemane, Peter drew his sword. In defense of Jesus, he cut the ear off Malchus, a servant of the high priest Caiaphas. But Peter withdrew when the crowd took Jesus into custody. And later, Peter denied Jesus three times.
In conclusion, Lysa underscores, every trauma consists of two parts:
- the fact of what happened and
- the impact it had on you.
However, the author cautions, negative consequences rear up when we dismiss those feelings and what those feelings attempt to tell us. Hence, our first instinct can be to numb, ignore, override, or shame ourselves.
In the next blog, Lysa examines what each of these responses looks like played out.
Today’s question: Do you agree that safety includes both fact and feeling? Please share.
Tomorrow’s blog: Paying the price – stuffing”