“When we have our trust broken, it’s tempting to replace trust with control. If I can control it, I don’t have to deal with my trust issues. And when I say ‘control,’ I mean ‘do everything I can to keep things as predictable as possible.’ If I can stay in control of situations, then I falsely believe I can avoid the risk of trust.”- Lysa TerKeurst
In Chapter 5 (“And I Didn’t Want to Be Alone”) of I Want to Trust You, but I Don’t, Lysa TerKeurst talks about her alone time following her divorce. In theory, Lysa acknowledges, she knew she wasn’t alone alone. Most significantly, alone doesn’t just occur when there’s no one else around. Because sometimes alone means you carry the weight of something hard by yourself.
Certainly, you receive support from people around you. However, it’s not possible for those people to truly understand the gravity of what it feels like to walk in your shoes. And constantly talking about your hardships makes you feel small, incapable, and like the sum total of your life consists of the fallout from your broken trust. In addition, you may develop an intense fear of others passing judgment on you — for disregarding their advice.
Therefore, Lysa admits:
“Sometimes it just feels safe to keep your thoughts to yourself. And when you don’t have someone to process this stuff with, alone means a whole lot of hard thoughts and questions and fears staying all tangled up inside you. If you go to bed with confusing thoughts, you’ll wake up with confusing emotions. And you can quickly spiral without someone to bring balance and assurances.”
In conclusion, Lysa notes, it can feel very scary to trade the predictability you desire for the risk of relationships. With no guarantees. Furthermore, take note when what you say on the outside fails to match what you feel in the inside. Because then you may be trying to control the situation. At the very least, you feel the illusion of control.
Today’s question: When do you find it tempting to replace trust with control? Please share.
Tomorrow’s blog: “Attentive nature of Christians”