One of the biggest misconceptions about intimacy

By Dave Henning / December 2, 2017

“One of the biggest misconceptions about intimacy is that it is all about emotions.  Clearly, people who believe that have never forgotten their wedding anniversary or the name of their girlfriend’s cat.  When it comes to intimacy, details matter.”- John Ortberg

Today, in Chapter 2 of I’d Like You More . . . , Pastor Ortberg discusses myths about intimacy nine and ten.

Myth #9: Intimacy looks the same regardless of gender.  Citing Deborah Tannen’s brilliant book You Just Don’t Understand, John talks about differences between men and women.  For example, Ms. Tannen postulates that adults learn their ways of speaking in separate social worlds of peers.  Hence, men and women engage in cross-cultural communication.

Thus, men use words to win arguments and demonstrate knowledge.  As a result, their words tend to produce stress.  On the other hand, women use words to express bonding.  In contrast, their words tend to relieve stress.

Yes, men and women have fundamental differences.  However, in a relationship, we all desire someone who hears, understands, and values us.

Myth #10: Intimacy is all about feelings.  Again, citing Deborah Tannen’s book, Pastor Ortberg notes her comment that small details matter: “The exchange of relatively insignificant details about daily life sends a metamessge of rapport and caring.”

Furthermore, John observes, it takes more to build intimacy than simply holding hands or staring lovingly into someone’s eyes.  Therefore, you build intimacy as you invest time into discovering what really matters to the people in your life.  And not only the big things!

Thus, when a relationship lacks attention to detail, problems tend to arise.

Today’s question: What would you describe as one of your biggest misconceptions about intimacy?  Please share.

Tomorrow’s blog: “Fish discover water last”

About the author

Dave Henning

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