Wounds often surface when we feel safe

By Dave Henning / November 19, 2020

“Our wounds often surface only when at last we feel physically or emotionally safe.  Once we are out of survival mode, our bodies, minds, and spirits can finally bear to consider our stories and the reasons we are so emotionally dysregulated.”- Aundi Kolber

” ‘Even if the mountains walk away and the hills fall to pieces, my love won’t walk away from you, my covenant of peace won’t fall apart.’ The GOD who has compassion on you says so.”- Isaiah 54:10 (MSG)

Aundi Kolbert continues Chapter 3 of Try Softer as she cautions that we likely project the attachment styles we adopt from our caregivers onto our relationship with God (direct quote) .  Research confirms this.  However, if you grew up with an insecure attachment style, it’s still possible to heal.  Hence, you’ll experience God and others as safe.  Thus, when change or repair occurs with our internal working models, it’s referred to as earned secure attachment.

This, Aundi states, appears to happen in two steps:

  1. After developing a meaningful relationship with a close friend, significant other, or therapist, we internalize a secure, autonomous attachment.
  2. We coherently tell our story.  From our own perspective, we understand why events happened.

Certainly, Aundi notes, attachments come in many different shapes and sizes.  As a result, we experience this feeling with friends, therapists, teachers, pastors, and even God.  Especially God!  The author explains:

“While there is no formulaic way for us to progress toward earned secure attachment with God or others, I can confidently say that learning to try softer will help you better determine how to engage the journey.  The work of paying compassionate attention is, in a sense, learning to steward for ourselves what God already believes about us — that we’re valuable and loved.  In a way, this work is about giving ourselves permission to receive the love that is available to us.  It’s less about ‘arriving’ and more about paying attention to ourselves in the compassionate way we’ve always deserved.”

Today’s question: What wounds often surface when you feel safe?  Please share.

Tomorrow’s blog: “The missing puzzle piece that fits snugly”

About the author

Dave Henning

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